Hey Girlie: Well here I is writing yus agin’ and I don’t know why for. Yus haint sent a reply in almost four and a half weeks and I’s beginnin’ to think yus dead or found someone specialer maybe. So I’ll tell you once more and then be done with it cause I figure there haint much use in beating a dead mongrel with a stick and expectin’ to resusertate it but I’m pretty good with writing words so lets see if I can’t work us a miracle and bring our deceasin’ love back ‘mong the fresh and livin’.
Well haint you know I finally got that job I was tellerin yus about, moving pianos for Mr. Dink. And he even got to given me a dollar and a quarter a piece too on account he said I’m a heller strong feller and the dangest he ever seen outside a spectacle and fast with my work too so that extra money is something he called a “sentive” to keep me from slowin’ down and getting’ sloth-like.
Well I know the last time we seen each other things didn’t end so mighty swell between us or pleasant as they could and I want to make an apology for throwin’ your cat like I did, out the window and to its destruction, because I know he haint done nothing wrong cept cumber the earth for no good reason and is why I can’t help but from getting’ so venomous angry when he pees on my cowboy boots like that. But wus done is done I s’ppose and I always did like that cat he was such a wise cracker.
Well I got to workin’ out agin’ too and been learned things by a feller Pat Flynn and maybe yus know him on account of he’s on the internet? which I learned to do too all by myself with no help at all or even instructions.
Well I joined his inner rectangle and he talks there about all kinds of fangled things and I’ll tell yus this girlie the way he talks is enough to make you think him about as crazy a cucumber on account he don’t take no stock in pussyfootin’ around.
Well I lost ten pounds girlie and I haint done it from nothin’ but using this fellers kettybell workouts and im goin’ to show you one here pretty soon that I think you might like and want to try because I know how you always talkin’ about startin’ your workout plan next Monday but never do.
Well he have me line up one kettybell then another kettybell and then another all in a row and each one heavier and more profounder than the one come before it. Well girlie I knew it was goin’ to be a haynis workout because all the kettybells was a specially big and cumbrous but I haint never thought it’d be like that. Well me and all my friends at the gym was hootin and holler and actin’ like such patooties because it was so hot as the “other place” and I think maybe we thought we was already there because why else would we act so misbehaved less we think we couldn’t go anywhere worse than that?
Girlie it was the best workout I ever done on account I sweat like a fruit and come out all bedraggled as a horse. I even showed it to Mr. Dink!
Well I haint never think he was goin’ to die from it, but I guess I was wrong. Well we didn’t even get through but a second time and he just slump down into the earth, and was dead. I haint never seen nothing like it and now I guess I need to find me a new line of business because I can’t move pianos without Mr. Dink and it isn’t that I wouldn’t mind keep working the same job but its hard getting’ a steady paycheck when your boss is a dead person.
Well girlie I think I might come work for this Pat Flynn feller and write letters for his inner rectangle or whatever he calls it. I showed him samples of what I wrote to yus and he called me a down home country bumpkin and says I’m just the kind of doofus he’s been lookin’ for for this kind of work and would do very satisfactory in the exercisin’ industry where he said most all people are doofuses anyways so I guess that makes me fit right in and dignified.
He just said I need to work on my grammer but I’ll tell yus this girlie I haint take no more stock in grammer than I do in rectangles on account of people get all bothered about using marks and never stop to think if the stuff they puttin’ marks in is even worth readin’ to begin with when most of the time it haint. But here I goes preachin agin’, and I know how yus can’t stand it when I do that, so I’ll just put an end to this business right quick and say au reservoir and that I hope yus doing well and that yus don’t forget to write your old friend Hank.
Your old friend,
*For those of you keen on the particulars of the workout I sicked on Hank , there were actually three.
Workout number one consisted of ten swings at each bell (three bells in the chain, please–heavy, heavier, heaviest), moving right on down the line, for ten minutes, resting as little as you need but as much as you have to between sets.
Workout number two was, well, just see the video below for that.
Workout number three was ten swings, five goblet squats, and three walk-out push ups, done in the same way as the first.
It was workout number three that killed Mr. Dink.