Everything about child delivery defies the rational mind. Nothing about it can be explained away—how something wide as a behemoth and long as a snake can pass itself through an otherwise short and narrow corridor, it doesn’t make any sense to me. And no, I didn’t look down there. How could I, and still expect to lead a normal life?
What I did was keep my view north of the belt line, but still there was just so much high-pitched squealing and dainty moaning that it was hard to concentrate, until finally the nurse commanded me to get a handle on myself, but before I could, Roan was born.
Before it all began, the nurse directed Christine on how to do it. Push, like you’re having a bowel movement, she said, but keep your bottom half relaxed. I attempted this maneuver myself, as she was explaining it, but presently had to excuse myself. When I came back, Christine was well into it, and I found myself miming her. As she contracted and pushed and was all curled up like a cheese puff, so was I. As her veins popped out the side of her neck, so did mine. The only difference was this: she delivered a baby, me, a fart. But I took quick advantage and made that sort of peculiarly pursed face that signifies to any witness you’ve identified the perpetrator, and turned my glance suspiciously on Christine. Crisis averted.
What startled me the most was that Christine was instructed to reach down and pull Roan out herself. I thought, but she’s not qualified. But there was no hesitation, she grabbed down between her legs, and up came my son. It was a shock of immeasurable proportion, seeing nothing and then instantly a baby, that shot a yellow streak of elation up and down my spine. I could hardly contain my giddy, and pet his head. His skin was soft and squishy, like a ziplock filled with pudding, and pleasant to touch.
He actually came out somewhat purple at first and I thought, good Lord, she wasn’t kidding, she really did have an affair with Papa Smurf. But as his color returned my suspicion fleeted.
Now Roan is home and is behaving himself quite well. He has taken on my best quality, which is the shape of my foot. Really though, it’s not a foot, it’s a talon. The first time Christine saw my feet, she said they looked more like the claw of a koala. This is accurate, but I still think it’s more of a talon. My toes are gangly and shoot off in all directions, like a hat rack. But they come with the ability to pick items up off the ground, even the peskiest, like a penny from the kitchen floor. Not everyone can do this, but I can, and I think Roan will too.
Time is now crunched for me, as Roan has taken most of it from me. Amazingly, I have still found time for loquaciousness, but my workouts, now, must be even more concise.
I created the Kettlebell Workout of the Week with this object in mind, yet I never truly appreciated the gravity of the matter, because I never truly was crunched for time. But I am now. Goodness am I ever.
And so I put this post together as much for me, as for you. And if you are crunched for time, whether you be a parent or not a parent, I hope you find these workouts as useful as they are expedient.
[Special Offer: The best time-crunched workout I’ve ever made is The 9-Minute Workout. You can get it HERE, or sign up for the Inner Circle HERE, and get it for $14 less–but this offer expires in a few days)
5 Time-Crunched Workouts that Do It All
1. The 10,000 Rep Swing Challenge.
This is cumulative, of course–as nobody in their right mind would call 10,000 reps of anything expedient. I got this idea originally from Dan John, but have made a few modifications (see the video below for more). I did this today, racking up as many rounds as I could in 30 minutes.
2. Swing and Goblet Squat Mountain
This is a classic burner. Get down “the mountain” as many times as you can in 15 minutes, WITH GOOD FORM, GAH, GAH GAH!!
3. Cleans and Presses, Always Reliable.
A good and simple strength and power routine, right here. 1,2,3,1,2,3.
4. Practice Sets
Practice sets are when you take a movement (no more than two) and simply practice them for 15 minutes. The goal is to get in as many QUALITY sets as possible in the allotted time. I recommend sets of 1-3, no higher.
5. Clean to See-Saw to Squat
Exactly as stated. As many quality rounds in 15 minutes.
Some Announcements and Special Offers
1. The Chronicles of Strength Inner Circle
The newsletter this month features The 9-Minute Workout with some upgrades. CLICK HERE to get it now. (This offer will be gone forever at the end of this month).
This is the best workout I’ve ever made, and I want you to have it.
He’s what the most recent poster on my Facebook wall had to say about it:
“You sir are an evil genius. I did the 9 minute kettlebell routine this morning with a 16kg bell after a little bit of double bell strength training & it shredded me! Even my feet were sweating by the end, I didn’t even know feet could sweat! Bravo sir, bravo!”
Also for Inner Circle members this month, I am running a webinar with Dr. Kellyann Petrucci on high-performance Paleo Dieting. I think this will be very valuable for you all to hear. I am a large advocate of the Paleo Diet, but with some modifications. As well, too many have gone way overboard with all these Paleo treats. We will be talking about how best to tweak the Paleo Diet for a high-performance lifestyle (aka, the avid exerciser).
2. Share Your Favorite Time Crunched Workout…Win a Stuffed Beaver.
Some of my readers thought I was joking about giving away stuffed beavers for thoughtful comments. Then they got one in the mail.
Thanks to Tracy Seffers for sharing the pic!
If you’d like a shot at winning one of these pleasant little fellows, share your favorite time-crunched workout in the comment section.