Years ago I put out a rather gaudy article on all the ways kettlebells make you better at sex. It gathered some attention, naturally. And ever since, I’ll have an email come in, now and then, saying something along the lines of, “Pat, I see you are an expert in matters of salacious expression. Do you offer any paid instruction? Or is it all just Youtube tutorials and what not?”
So I go on to explain that sex was merely something I tried, once or twice, in order to get a better understanding of the benefits of kettlebells and that, had it not been for my curiosity around what physical effects the swing can convey in the bedroom, I, being a man of high taste, would have abstained from the matter, entirely. So, “No, I don’t offer any paid instruction.” But thanks for asking.
Because what has it got me, sex? I am married now, with three children, because of it. My freedom has been frightfully diminished. My food bill has been unfathomably enlarged. I am no longer the spirited scientist of my youth. I have a dog, a house, and all these plants to water, and closets to clean, etc. It is often an agonizing bill to pay. Ah, but it is not without benefit, either, I must admit. The children are fine, and fair, and oh so innocent and precious looking. My wife, Christine, is as an agreeable spouse and amenable to my needs. And, alright, yes, I love her. You caught me.
But back to the subject of sex. Do you need a description of it? Very well, then: The act itself can be most accurately described as an application of friction between two (or more) consenting adults, and so on, and so on. Fair enough?
Now let’s move on.
5 Ways Kettlebells Make You Better At Sex.
The kettlebell increases hip drive, the key component of effective intercourse.
To initiate sex, at least one participant person must be capable of producing movement in their hips. It is better if both do it, but, you know, sometimes you have a long day at work, and just wanna’ relax.
But the kettlebell reminds you of what your hips are there for–of what your hips are supposed to do! The forceful and repeated contraction and expansion of the glutes, hamstrings, erector what-have-you, and so on, cause the hips to propel forward and get everything going, in a general sort of way.
The kettlebell builds stamina and suppleness.
Now for sex to be kept a good deal of fun and games, you should be able to form yourself into many different kinds of shapes. Just imagine, for example, your partners surprise the first time you turn yourself into a tetrahedron, or something like that. Well, kettlebells can give you the mobility you need, and the stamina to stay there.
Goblet squats, for example, and such variations therein, serve to slacken the hips, knees, and lower back. I recommend 25 reps a day.
Also, is the need for wind–endurance, as they say. For you see when it comes to sex, it is not mannerly to call time out in the middle of it. (Taking frequent breaks may cause you to look inexperienced.) Obviously a break may be merited if things reach a certain boiling point–that is understandable. But you should never be physically wiped out from the actual, physical exercise of it. So for this, we turn to kettlebells, once more, to condition us.
The kettlebell leans you out, makes you strong, and attractive.
It has to be indicated, at some point or other, that physical attractiveness has something to do with getting laid.
And so it must be noted that hardly any other device aside the kettlebell is so notorious for stripping away fat and adding muscle on in its place. Complexes, combos, chains, etc–all of these devices are deadly effective metabolic conditioners.
And so a few more sample specimens, I leave below.
The kettlebell… erm…
Really and truly? I have no fifth reason for why kettlebells make you better at sex. This article was a stretch to start and I see no reason why I should stretch it any further.
So why don’t you tell me? How have kettlebells improved YOUR sex life? Or say, exercise in general. Drop a comment below. Would love to hear about it.
PS – Here are 7 more super-hardcore-extreme kettlebell workouts that may (or may not) have a direct, positive impact on your sex life.
PPS – Also, my Inner Circle, guys. Check it out.