I was awoken at 4am, a couple Saturday nights ago, and in a scramble because I thought I’d heard a gunshot. And so I did what any decidedly chivalrous man would done in such a peril, which is to say, threw my hands in the air, vocally announced my unconditional surrender, and permissioned the intruder to take with him anything of his desires and one of the dogs, too, please. But alas, there was no intruder—t’was but a fart!
As I gathered my faculties, I looked around for a boneless form, because by the mighty sound and clamor of it, I was certain the issuer sent out his skeleton.
“Alright!” I said, “Who is the author? Let ye’ confess!”
But no one took hold.
I first inspected the crate of my St. Bernard Lola, expecting a warm biscuit. But her palace was immaculate. Lola was not the culprit.
I then inspected my girlfriend Christine’s crate, and questioned her presently.
“T’were you the miscreant who my slumber you besmirched with thine villainous thundergust?” But she found no truth in the matter of my accusation, nor any humor in the manner.
So I said, “Very well, back to sleep”, and latched the gate.
As well, the evidence was in her favor, as the roar of the excretion was incongruent with her usual issuance, which more sounds like the soft puttering of a moped, and quite often drawn out to truly preposterous lengths, but what we had here was a single instant discharge of a cacophonous elephant rifle. Christine, it seems, was not the culprit.
I continued my investigation, though only one suspect remained.
But could it really been my infant son, Roan, but only one day old and stout as a loaf of bread, who sounded the anatomical air-horn?
As he was awake, I inquired.
“How are you, my son?”
“Kingly, am I, father.”
As I remained in his presence, and eyed his figure, the evidence mounted heavily against him. I could for one see his belly hollowed inward toward his spine, as is expected after a sharp evacuation of the intestines, and for two was the rising of a distressful stink. From there I posed no further questions—at long last the perpetrator had been found out; and no longer than 1 day after his own birth had Roan given birth all his own, and to a record diabolical offspring; and how precisely he’d done it without all at once granting himself a hernia, or a temporary levitation, to this day remains incompatible with the workings of the rational mind. Roan, as it could not be denied, was the culprit.
And Daddy was very proud. Because this was the gust of an old hand, of a man many years practiced—haunting, all-pervading, irreverent, full of stench, wet, and bold—yet launched by a rookie, and fired from an artillery cannon that shook the foundations.
This reminds me: The best ab exercise is doubtless the hanging leg raise and it’s hard to do one proper without letting out a toot and coming off as impolite. I say this because with a good hanging leg raise, you fold yourself in half, and shouldn’t lean back—at least not very much—and accordingly compress the innards; thus, any wind in the compartment is likely expelled.
To do a hanging leg raise, follow these steps very closely:
- First, hang from a bar and make some space between your ears and shoulders; shrug down, in other words.
- Next, flatten your position—take the arch out of your back and retract the ribcage best you can by bracing your abs, and squeezing hard your glutes—imagine, if you will, you’re in a hanging plank.
- Next, and while keeping your knees fully extended, and without the use of momentum, draw your feet up to the bar, but don’t lean back to accomplish this, so, to prevent this, simultaneously imagine pulling the bar down to your feet as you bring your feet to the bar. The result, as mentioned, should look and feel nearly as if you’ve folded yourself in half, with a strong contraction in the abdominal wall.
I was once afforded the spectacle of a man who while at the top of the hanging leg raise fired such a rocket it ripped him from the bar, blast him straight into the ground and onto his head, where he hit a rock, and bounced. It was a miracle like I’ve never seen and collected a good deal of applause.
Now if progressing towards the hanging leg raise is something you’re interested in, I can help you out.
Ab workouts, per se, are scarcely anything more than a farce, but today I’ve put together a little routine for you, consisting of only two exercises, that I think you’ll actually find somewhat useful.
Direct ab work, that is, when one puts his efforts towards developing a mighty contractile strength of his abdominal wall, rather than just the look of it, the utility is expansive and impressive. And the irony, I hardly need mention, is plainly the fact that strong abs look good in any case, assuming there are no mounds of fat settled upon them.
The hanging leg raise, and the L-sit, one dynamic, one static, both linear—we can play with rotation on down the line, and in a later post—but first and for now, let’s assemble the bottommost Lego blogs, and build upward and outward from there.
The routine, as you might expect from a two-exercise workout, well, an idiot could do it, but because it is an intelligible workout and built on sound real estate, I don’t think too many will apply.
So here’s the thing. Two exercises, done every day, and I don’t care when you do them, just do them like this:
Hanging Leg Raise 5 x 5
L-Shit 5 x 15-30 seconds
Totally just noticed I put L-shit instead of L-sit, oh shoot.
Questions? Drop them in the comments and I’ll be happy to help.
The Metabolic Reset and 30-Day Body Transformation Challenge
What Is It?
The 30-Day Metabolic Reset Challenge is a way for you to kill off old bad habits, establish new healthful habits, and transform your body.
It is also a chance to:
- Win 1 month of private online coaching with me: $350 value (3 Winners)
- Win a signed copy of my upcoming book Paleo Workouts for Dummies: Most Definitely Priceless, Right? (3 Winners)
- Win one ticket to our Killing It With Kettlebells Certification: $1400 value (1 Winner)
- Be featured in my next book as a success story (details to follow)
How Do I Get It?
The full Metabolic Reset protocol will be released to all Inner Circle members on the first of next month.
==> CLICK HERE to join now before it is released (cancel anytime)
This will include a full 30-day strength, conditioning, and nutritional protocol–all based entirely on fitness minimalism, which is, doing the LEAST amount you need to do to get the job done, and not a smidgen more.
Note, however, that doing the least does not in anyway imply this is an “easy” program. Most I’m sure would say the contrary is true. Fitness minimalism is about being effective (doing the right things) and efficient (doing things right) so ensure you get maximum results in minimum time. It’s not about being lazy.
What Does It Entail?
The challenge requires a full 30-day commit to The Metabolic Reset—including both the exercise program and all nutritional parameters. For 30 days, no cheat days or deviations are allowed. This ensures maximum results in the ways of losing fat, building muscle, and boosting strength, as well as the simultaneous installation of successful long-term habits.
When Is It?
The Challenge officially kicks off Monday, November 4th, and ends Wednesday, December 4th.
How Do I Enter?
There are two requirements to enter.
- After you sign up for the Inner Circle, email me at PatFlynn@ChroniclesOfStrength.com with the subject line of “I’m in”.
- A thorough answer to the following question: “Thirty days from now, looking back, what specifically would have had to happen for you to consider yourself successful on this program?”Please make your goals specific, realistic, and measurable.
- [Optional but highly recommend]: Before and after photos. Please take one before picture from the front, and one from the side (preferably in swim attire), and attach to the email. After thirty days, take one after photo from the front, and one from the side, and email to PatFlynn@ChroniclesOfStrength.com.
How Do I Win?
The challenge is not entirely based on who loses the most weight. It is instead and simply based on who makes the “biggest transformation”, which is dependent entirely upon YOUR goals. The discretion is entirely up to me and two other fitness judges I have selected out.
Sending before and after photos, while optional, is highly recommended, even if you’re not in it to win it, because sending before photos makes you more accountable than you would be otherwise. And note, I will never share these without your permission.
Do I Have to Partake in The Challenge to Get The Metabolic Reset Program?
Absolutely not, if you don’t want to. The challenge is a way for you to get motivated and to be held accountable. As well, its a chance to win some cool prizes, if that’s your thing.
But, if the challenge isn’t for you, totally cool, you can still get the Metabolic Reset and follow it on your own.